Happy Halloween!
Is it really "Spooky Season" if the horrors are year-round?
General News
Instead of getting into the mess that is our country, I’m going to direct our attention to the state of Maine. Fun little fact: in the winter of 2021, I traveled with a handful of comrades up to Portland, Maine (not to be confused with the other Portland that is much more famous), with the sole purpose of protesting outside of a bar that was serving Neo-Nazis. For those of who you may be thinking, “But shouldn’t a business be able to serve whomever can pay for their services,” I’d like to argue, shut the fuck up! Just kidding. Not really. No, the reason this businesses relationship to the group became so controversial is because the group held meetings inside the bar. It was a spot that didn’t just serve Neo-Nazis, they allowed them to hold meetings there. I forget which group it was in particular…but it would be funny if I started a rumor that Graham Platner was there!
“Lying on the internet is never funny.” Shut up, you’re wrong; it’s hilarious. Also, who is to say that Platner isn’t lying on the internet? Let me back up, though. Some of y’all probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Earlier this month, Graham Platner rose from the salty shores of Maine as a candidate in the Democratic primaries of Maine to unseat the state’s current Republican US Senator Susan Collins. Normally, I wouldn’t be very interested in a state election outside of Illinois. Shit, I’m barely keeping up with anything outside of my immediate districts! What has peaked my interest, as well as the interests of thousands, is his very spotty, murky, and conflicting background. I watched this video to help clarify a few things. Though I’m still unsure what this man’s real agenda is, I’m also fairly certain that he’s too damn stupid to even have an agenda.
The sketchy details go like this: Platner graduated from high school during the Bush Administration and immediately enlisted in the US Marines. He first deployed to Iraq in 2005 and then left 4 years later to go to college in DC on a GI Bill. At first glance, you’d think, “Okay, average low-income millennial choice.” You wouldn’t bat an eye. What made me laugh was learning that he re-enlisted into the military because–and I wish I was joking–he had FOMO. Like, he literally said that he went back because his buddies were still serving and he felt like he wasn’t “doing enough.” That’s quite literally the definition of the Fear of Missing Out. He served another 5 years in the military, this time in Afghanistan. At some point during his service, he went into a tattoo parlor with his military buddies and they decided to all get a “skull and cross-bones” tattooed on themselves. You know, just guys being dudes, casually and unknowingly getting a literal Nazi symbol tattooed on their chests.
In 2016, he left the service for treatment after being diagnosed with PTSD from his tours in the middle east. After everything he had been through, he decided to enlist into the military for a third time in 2018 as a State Department security contractor with the private military company formerly known as Blackwater in Afghanistan. According to him, his 3 enlistments in the military left him disillusioned by the United States Military Industrial Complex. Which like…okay, so why would you go back two more times? I’d be sympathetic if it were one deployment, but three? Three different deployments? Idk man. Also according to him, not a single person in the entire military over the course of his decade-long service ever mentioned that his tattoo was a Nazi symbol. I call bullshit. Dude, you’re literally surrounded by military history buffs and not a single one said anything? Not even the guy who suggested the tattoo? Like? That math is not mathing, if you ask me!
People think he isn’t a Nazi because of his Reddit history over the past three years. A self-proclaimed Communist who has become more and more left-wing as he’s gotten older, his Reddit history seems to have convinced people. As if you can’t just lie online, or something. I’m not saying that he’s a Nazi, I’m just saying that there’s no way you can play dumb about a very specific symbol that was on SS uniforms in Nazi Germany and you literally spent a decade surrounded by military history buffs. The worst case scenario is that Graham Platner is a right-wing infiltrator trying to sabotage the Democratic Party from the inside. The best case scenario is that he’s just enormously stupid. I’m of the same mind when it comes to Mamdani: let’s just see what happens.
Wait, before I move on, I have one thing I’d like to mention. Anyone who has been surprised or appalled by the news that Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau are officially dating is an absolute moron. I’m sorry, this doesn’t make sense to you? Frankly, this is the only piece of news that has ever made sense in the past 5 years. There’s something about these two that reinforces my belief in soulmates. Twin flames, even. They’re both hot, let’s just get that out in the open first. Is Katy aging gracefully? No, but that has more to do with her resistance to aging rather than natural aging. Way too much work has been done on her face. Nonetheless, she’s always been a conventionally attractive woman with great tits. And, like, everything aside, Justin Trudeau is a hot piece of ass. So, yeah, two wealthy and equally attractive people just makes sense. On top of all of that, you have their outward personas, both of which are extremely cringey in the way that white parents trying to “stay hip” are. They have the energy of two Center-Left Upper-Class parents who let their teenaged kids drink in the house with their friends, are overly obsessed with winning Yard of the Year from their HOA, and are way too open about their sex lives with strangers. Honestly, I’m happy for them. They match each other’s freak.
Personal News
I don’t really have much to share. I had a very Terminal-esque day last week when my return flight got delayed by 3 hours. When I made it back home, I remembered the horrors. Shit sucks idk. I have a few things to look forward to, however. Tomorrow is the staff Halloween costume contest, which I am sure to win. My competition narrowed down after the staff-layoffs this summer. Morale is low, so I imagine that participation will also be low. Also, my costume is going to rock. Y’all will have to wait until next week’s dispatch to see it. Later this week, I have a dear friend coming to visit for the weekend. That’ll be a treat. Or a trick?
Poetry
I’m trying to get into the spirit, okay? My costume is equal parts scary and relevant. The inspiration for my costume comes from that one part in volume 1 of Capital where Karl Marx says, “Capital is dead labour which, vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labour, and lives the more, the more labour it sucks,” (Penguin Random House UK, 1976). And who better represents capital than Mr. Monopoly himself? Thus, vampire Monopoly man. I’m excited about it. Anyway, in the spirit of “Spooky Season,” I bring to you one of the spookiest poets in the Western American Cannon. I could’ve sworn that I’ve shared a poem of hers before, but…I haven’t? Nevertheless. If you don’t know who Emily Dickinson is, I wish you would’ve paid better attention in school.
